Very few know the struggle that Rusty and I have had while trying to conceive our first child. Infertility affects 1 in 4 couples. With that being said, I know there are others out there that share our struggle. Maybe, just maybe, by sharing our story, we can help others along the way!
Here is our story...
Rusty and I decided to start trying for a baby in August of 2011. After coming off birth control, I immediately noticed that my body wasn't "working right." Most women will understand what I mean...we notice when things are "off." On one of my annual visits, I mentioned to my OB-GYN some of my concerns. He mentioned that I might not be ovulating well, or I may not even be ovulating at all. As most of us learned in Anatomy, if a woman doesn't ovulate, there is no possibility of getting pregnant. The doctor ran some blood work to determine whether or not this was the issue. If I wasn't ovulating, my progesterone level would be very low.
A few day later, the blood work was returned and determined that I had low progesterone. Just as my doctor had suspected, I was not ovulating. Not at all. Not even a little bit. A normal progesterone level would be any where from 8-10. Mine was a 1.9. I was crushed. This was my worst nightmare. From the time I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a Mommy. I felt that God wanted that for me. Now I wasn't so sure...
My doctor (OB-GYN) put me a low dose of Clomid. Clomid is the most common fertility drug, used to stimulate ovulation in women who have trouble conceiving. The plan was for me to take a months worth of Clomid, try to conceive, and then come back in 21 days for more blood work to test my progesterone levels again. If the Clomid was working, then the progesterone level should have increased.
But it didn't. In fact, my progesterone level dropped! My first reaction was "HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!" It went from a 1.9 before medication, to a 0.8 after medication. I was once again, crushed. I immediately called my doctor back. I wanted answers. I wanted to know WHY I had low progesterone? What more we could do to fix it? How did he know something else wasn't wrong? Or that something else wasn't the cause for my low progesterone? The nurse I spoke with refused to let me speak with my doctor (OB-GYN). She then told me that they would not run any more tests until we had been on Clomid for 6 months. That seemed very backwards to Rusty and I. Wouldn't they want to test me for everything first? And then determine a treatment plan?! It made no sense....
After speaking with a friend that had gone through infertility and spending many nights praying for answers, we realized that we needed to seek the advice of a true fertility specialist. From the second I called the fertility clinic I knew we were on the right track! Everyone was very understanding and considerate of the difficult situation that Rusty and I were going through.
The first appointment we had with the fertility specialists showed that I had developed a large, and I mean LARGE, cyst on my right ovary. Most likely, the cyst was from the cycle of Clomid that my OB-GYN had prescribed. Had I continued with the treatment plan that my OB-GYN had set up for us (6 months of Clomid), the cyst would have most likely ruptured, possibly putting me in the hospital. Since the cyst was so large, we had to wait until it went away to start another round of fertilty treatments...
Another set back. I can't say that I was surprised at the time. It seemed like every time I turned around it was something else...another dose of bad news. At this point, I was beyond upset...I was mad.
To make everything a little bit lighter and more comical, I named the large cyst on my ovary Cathy. Before I left the fertility specialist that day, I told the nurse that I would be back soon- we were going to PRAY CATHY AWAY! And guess what?! We did! Exactly one week later, the cyst that was once the size of a lemon was almost completely gone. BAM! And now were ready for some serious fertility treatments!!!
My fertility specialist, Dr. Houserman, prescribed us injectable medication called Follistim. I would give myself shots in the stomach everyday for 6-12 days and be monitored constantly by ultrasound and blood work. I was constantly at Dr. Houserman's office! Whenever I had mature follicles, Rusty would then give me a shot in the hip which would make me ovulate. In laymen's terms, a woman's eggs are inside a follicle- when a follicle measures 18mm, it is ready to ovulate! After ovulation, then you can actually try to get pregnant!
I will never forget talking with my mom on the phone the night I found out something was wrong. I told my mom that I was angry- angry with God. She told me something that I will never forget, "Tell Him- talk to Him about it. Its not like He doesn't already know!" From that day on I spent most nights just talking to God. I prayed for understanding, as well. I think I prayed for understanding more than I prayed for a baby. I just wanted to be "okay" again. I felt so broken. Like something was wrong with me. Like it was something I brought on myself. I felt horrible- that Rusty would never get to have children, because of me. Because of my broken body. I am ashamed to say, I almost lost my faith. There were days that my faith in God was running on "E."
For a very long time, I was angry with God. Actually, I was FURIOUS with God. I wasted many days asking "Why me, Lord?" I could not understand why God would choose this path for Rusty and I. Why does every drug addict get pregnant and have a baby, but not me? Why do women who abort their babies get pregnant, but not me? We are responsible adults. We have the financial means to raise a child. We have a loving home that serves the Lord. WHY NOT US?!
As time went on, I came to understand that God chose this path for Rusty and I for reasons that we will never understand. We aren't meant to understand God's path for us, or why He does certain things. I like to think that God chose us to go through infertility because He knew we could handle it. Whether that is why or not, we will never know.
What have I learned from all this?! I have learned several things...
(1). Evil will use EVERY opportunity to turn you away from the Lord. Satan himself saw our struggle as the perfect opportunity to turn me from God.
(2). I am so thankful for Rusty. If wasn't for him offering a shoulder for me to cry on every night, I think I would have given up a long time ago. I am so blessed that God chose him for me, and me for him. I would rather go through the struggle of infertility with him every day than go through a normal pregnancy with anyone else. He is the most compassionate, loving, patient, and kind human being that I know and I am forever grateful for him. He is my hero.
(3). Infertility has made our marriage stronger. I feel as though our marriage is more solid today then it was before our struggle with infertility. I feel like we can conquer anything! Our wedding vows mean more to me now then they did the day of our wedding. "For better, for worse. In sickness and in health."
(4). God always has perfect timing. You may not see it that way, but it is all part of His master plan!
(5). He will never give you more than you can handle.
(6). He will test your faith...daily. Sometimes even hourly! Don't fail the test :)
(7). He never promised it was going to be easy, He just promised that it would be worth it. One day, all the let-downs, all the tears, all the pricks from needles, and being probed like some kind of alien science project, will all be worth it when we get to hold a child of our own- a perfect product of Rusty and I.
